As a child I used to think something was wrong with me. I felt, saw and heard things that others did not see, and I was not able to share that. In the company of people, I would feel shy and a bit insecure, so I often preferred my own world, daydreaming in my room, playing my violin, listening to music and drawing, instead of going out with friends, going to parties and being a member of a sports club. There is a saying: in the world but not of it. I was neither in the world, nor of it. Like Alice in Wonderland who stepped in the wrong filmset. Of course, I adapted. Studying hard, getting good results.
After school I had no clue what I wanted. I was artistic, but was it enough to become an artist? I was musical but was it enough to become a musician? I was clever, but I had no passion for any occupation. My father said: why don’t you study Law or Economics? But that was what he liked. The school psychologist said: why don’t you become a dancer? Strange suggestion, because I had no background whatsoever: still, the idea appealed to me. Of course, I was not admitted to any academy, but I did not give up, auditioned everywhere and took lots of lessons. As I had to do something, I randomly chose Greek and Latin Culture; archeology kind of had a nice romantic ring to it and I loved mythology. For 2 years: then my hard dance-work paid off: I got admitted to a Ballet Academy. I left University, only to find out that my body could not handle the intense physical pressure. I was told to leave and was heartbroken. I decided to stop searching, get a degree and then look again at what I want. So, I did. In 4 years, I got my Masters in German culture and European Studies, but I had lost myself.
Thanks to a book about High Sensitivity, I learned that I was not the only one struggling with sensitivity and feelings of being overwhelmed. That it was actually a gift. So I went to a training of Aura Reading and Healing. My coach said: “You have resisted being on this planet most of your life. But you have chosen to incarnate as a soul to walk this path and learn specific lessons. You have gifts that are useful in this world.” For the first time I really felt seen. I landed in myself and on this planet, and my journey of self-discovery started.
Seeking and finding…
I came in touch with NLP. Questions were addressed around what it means to be a human Being, around potential, creating your future and finding fulfillment. My curiosity awoke. I moved to Hawaii to become a student of Tad James and there I came home. The spirituality, the chants, the music, the nature touched me deeply. Back in Holland I started my own company, combining spirituality with western psychology, helping people and organizations with what I learned to find their way to their own potential, just as I was doing. Continuously learning, doing Reiki, massage therapy, hypnotherapy, inner child work, past life integration, Ridhwan school, eastern and western philosophy, Yoga, meditation and music. I became mother and I was happy.
A new beginning…
Then Corona came. I was thrown out of my life routine. It was a full brake: moaning and screeching my train came to a complete stop. I got more time than I wanted to ponder: what do I want now? How do I deal with the ending of all that I love and that I am good at? How domI then contribute to this planet? First there was anger, fear, and hopelessness, but out of nothing came: for now, just do what makes you happy. And there it was, the urge, the calling to start painting. I had done this during my time I lived in Amsterdam, for fun, in a group. Painting models, abstract, oil. This was different. There was something that wanted to be expressed. Something that was really part of me. I got all my old painting materials out of the garage, bought everything that I thought I needed and started, in the garden, because the summer was hot and wonderful. It was a mystery, because I was like possessed; I could not stop anymore. Images, visuals, dreams, it all wanted to come out. Hours, days, nights, weeks, months: I did nothing else. The urge is still there, but more balanced out now. Also my coaching and healing work has slowly begun again. When the urge comes, it is like something comes in me or through me, and all I can do is surrender. That is not easy. Because sometimes I want something. My mind comes in. Then the perfectionist also enters. I get frustrated, irritated, hopeless. I cry, take a break, start again, and this may go on for quite a while. Until I give up trying. Then the flow comes back. Everything wants to be expressed, my past life experiences, my emotions, my struggles, my dreams, my life vision. My paintings are poems without words, songs without sound, messages from another dimension. It is my hope that these paintings will touch your heart will help you to connect to deeper dimensions within yourself, so that you remember once more how beautiful and magnificant you are.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I wish you a wonderful journey,